Ummantelt

Ein Mann. Umworfen von einem Mantel aus Leid, das er nicht mehr erinnern kann. Jeden Tag aufs Neue zusammengewebt, der Mantel so lang wie sein Alter. So alt wie sein Atem, beinah. Er blickt in die Welt und sieht nur das, was sein Mantel ihm zuflüstert. „Die Menschen sind schlecht, das Leben ist hart, Du bist nicht viel wert“. Eine Schleife wie in Trance, wie seichte Musik im Fahrstuhl einer endlosen Fahrt. Der Mann, er versteht nicht, dass er nur den Knopf drücken muss, um aus der Fahrt auszusteigen.

Warum will er es nicht verstehen?

Er denkt der Mantel schützt ihn vor der Welt. Er denkt, dieser Mantel, den ihm seine Eltern als Kind angezogen haben, gehört zu ihm. Er denkt, der Mantel ist seine Haut. Seine echte Haut hat er noch nie gespürt, seine echte Haut, denkt er, ist sein Kern. Doch nichts davon stimmt. Alle Schichten sind durcheinander.
Der Mann, er schleppt sich durch den Tag, den Mantel um und hinter sich. Er wälzt sich in ihm die Nacht, durchgeknittert hält er seine Träume für wahr und schreckt auf – der Mantel?
Manchmal hat er eine Ahnung, eine winzige, wie der Moment kurz bevor das Licht einer Lampe geht und die Nacht hereinlässt. Die Dunkelheit, die Stille ist da, der Mann ist weg.
Die Ahnung verschwindet. Die Ahnung war: vielleicht stimmt es nicht? Vielleicht muss ich es nicht so herum denken? Vielleicht geht es mir doch gut?
Doch er traut sich nicht diesen Gedanken ernst zu nehmen. „Vielleicht geht es mir gut?“. Darf es ihm gutgehen? Darf es ihm besser gehen als seinen Eltern? Darf er genießen? Was wäre, wenn. Das denkt er nicht. Dort hört er auf.
Doch wenn. Wenn… dann hätte er die Arbeit gelassen. Er braucht das ganze Geld nicht. Er würde reisen. Sein Herzblut ist die Welt, in die er sich nicht traut. Weil er sich nicht traut, die Welt einen echten Blick auf ihn zu werfen. Weil er sich fühlt, als wäre er nicht gut genug für die Welt, als könne er nicht dazugehören. Das denkt er, nicht die Welt.
Er würde seine Töchter dichter ansehen, ihr Menschsein entdecken und vor Rührung weinen. Er würde seine Lust einer Frau anvertrauen, die ihn begehrt und sich fühlen lassen. Er würde verstehen, dass es Schuld nicht auf die Art gibt, auf die er sie empfindet. Er würde sehen, dass Schuld, die er anderen zuschiebt, sein Flickzeug für den Mantel ist. Er würde sehen, dass der Mantel abgetragen ist, dass er zum Himmel stinkt, Löcher hat, sich zersetzen will, aber der Mann ihn mit dem Weltbild aus seiner Kindheit flickt. Und sich darauf verlässt. Mit jedem Atemzug glaubt er an das Konstrukt, das für einen Moment gut war. Für eine Wahrheit, für einen Schmerz, den er nicht überprüft.

6.560 Gedanken zu „Ummantelt“

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